Destructive Self-Perceptions: The Cause of So Much Suffering?

The Power of Self-Relationship

“It’s your relationship to what is, not what is, that is the problem and the solution.” I love this quote and had it posted on my mirror for years. It speaks to the heart and possibility of healing and explains the core knowing that we are always in a relationship with ourselves, first and foremost. The health of our relationship to ourselves affects not only us but everything in our wake. It has so much power! Destructive self-perceptions can quietly erode that relationship without us even realizing it.

The Impact of Destructive Self-Perceptions

When people don’t see themselves accurately it increases their chances for depression, anxiety, violence, lack of purpose, addiction and so much more. I have seen it for years—what people think and feel about themselves creates consequences, positive or not so positive, for themselves, their lives and the lives of those around them. If their self-perception is way off, it can cause a lot of harm.

Mark’s Story: A Journey Through Destructive Self-Perceptions

“Mark” was 17 when I met him. His mother was worried about him and she said, “He has changed since middle school.” She described him as depressed, withdrawn, unmotivated, anxious, and not the kid she once knew. She brought him to see me as a “Hail Mary.” They had tried lots of talk therapy, cognitive therapy, and other things, but nothing had worked.

In our first session, he described himself as withdrawn, not very good at much, and depressed. What really got my attention was when he said, “I am like Ted Bundy.” Ted Bundy, for those who don’t know, was a serial killer. I cringed inside. How could this sweet, sensitive, mild-mannered teen see himself so negatively? He had no history of violence toward himself or others. I had never heard anyone describe themselves that way before.

Exploring the Roots of Destructive Self-Perception

I asked him how he came to that conclusion. He shared that he had done some online research and could identify with Bundy. I could tell Mark was sweet, sensitive and talented. He played music and loved it, but he didn’t believe he had what it took to do anything well with it.

I didn’t disagree or get into a “cheer up” session with him. Instead, I offered to take him through a process called The Inner Counselor Process (ICP) to explore more about how and why he felt so down about himself.

Finding a Source of Inner Wisdom

As we began, I asked him to invite in his Higher, Wiser Self and he told me he didn’t have one. I suspected that might be the case, so we approached it from another angle. I asked if he knew where the musical notes were coming from before he played them on his guitar. He said he didn’t know. I asked if he thought that might be a creative part of him that supported him in his music. He agreed. I then asked if this “Creative Self” could be his Higher, Wiser Self, and he said yes.

Healing the Wounds of the Past

We were making some headway. We went deeper into the depressed feelings and ended up at a memory of being bullied at school and as a younger child. These experiences were very painful and frequent. As we processed what he really needed versus what he got, he realized he had begun to believe he was the “bad guy,” instead of the kids who were bullying him. He had adopted a self-perception that was profoundly inaccurate. As we continued, he began to see himself and his past more clearly.

“I really was just a sensitive kid who wanted to fit in,” he said after the session. The harshness toward himself softened and he developed compassion for his younger self. He felt better when he left. After a few more deep-dive sessions, he began to dream about his future again instead of using his energy to self-deprecate, feel lost, anxious, or stuck in the past. He realized he was not like Ted Bundy and his self-perception shifted.

A Life Transformed by Healthy Self-Perception

His mother noticed the difference immediately. He began to show more motivation and applied to colleges to study music. He was excited again. His depression lifted. His energy improved. He felt lighter, more self-directed, and saw himself more accurately. I was thrilled—and so was his mom. We were done with therapy. I heard later that he had been accepted and was off to study music.

The Cost of Missed Opportunities

I often wonder what would have happened to him if we hadn’t done the deeper work to shift his faulty self-perception. I shudder to think of the alternatives. Thank goodness we had the chance to help him—and that he was open to it.

Why Destructive Self-Perception Work Matters

Helping your clients move beyond these destructive self-perceptions—which can hijack their lives, mind, body, and spirit—and guiding them beyond the stories that create so much suffering is the ticket to inner freedom, self-love, and more joy.

The Inner Counselor Process works deeply, consistently, and effectively to help people move beyond destructive stories, adaptive patterns, and faulty conditioning into more love, joy, peace, trust, and self-confidence. I am so grateful I found this process and that I get to share it with clients, clinicians, and other professionals. Transformation is possible for those who are willing.

When self-perception changes and evolves, everything changes. People no longer need to be hijacked by their past. They can be free to share their gifts as they were meant to.

To discover more about The Inner Counselor Process, join us at one of our upcoming trainings or download the free eBook.

With love and support,
Dr. Shannon South

P.S. If you are a healthcare provider, coach or counselor and would love to learn more about The Inner Counselor Process (ICP), you can find out more here or join us for our one-day immersive workshop – May 2, 2025 – to experience it firsthand.